Permanent Disagreement Growth
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations (c. 180)
In theory, most people appreciate the value of a candid disagreement. In practice, disagreements get our emotions flowing and any self-help theory is likely thrown out the window. In neuroscience speak, the amygdala (fight or flight response) overpowers the neocortex (reasoning).
A respectful disagreement leads towards a greater understanding of the truth, however elusive it may be. That said, for most, a “permanent disagreement” sounds like an intractable problem at best or an absolute failure at worst. Renowned relationship researcher, John Gottman, believes these types of disagreements are inevitable and make or break any long-term relationship1.
Gottman has exclusively studied romantically-involved couples but I believe his principles around disagreements may also extend to professional relationships2.
In his Seattle research lab outfitted as a hotel room, Gottman has studied how thousands of couples argue about certain disagreements. He then subsequently measured the outcome of that relationship over many years.
Gottman classifies disagreements into 2 buckets:
Solvable disagreement: A problem where the root cause is easily identifiable and it is not about something deeper in the relationship (e.g. being late or competing budget goals).
Permanent disagreement: A problem arising from fundamental differences in personalities or values. This may consistently lead people to interpret reality differently (e.g. big-picture visionaries versus pragmatic finance teams; introverted / focused engineers versus extroverted / communicative sales teams).
For permanent disagreements, the trap that most people fall into is they either i) persistently try to resolve the disagreement through persuasion and/or ii) determine a resolution is impossible and give up, incrementally dissociating from the relationship. Both approaches are flawed.
Paradoxically, a permanent disagreement does not mean it is impossible to address or even to grow from. The key is to find a common language, often using humor, to de-escalate the emotions. It less about *what* the problem is and more about *how* it is discussed and not shoved under the rug. If there is no regular dialogue on the touchy topic, resentment builds and often turns into contempt.
Unlike Gottman’s couples, professional relationships can differ since colleagues might not be equals. However, any manager would be wise to hear out their high performing employees who see the world differently.
I often try to identify permanent disagreements in both my professional and personal relationships. It helps to shine a light on our marvelous differences in human behavior and ingenuity. And, of course, it is an opportunity to grow.